Entropy
Issue 4 -- Parody issue 1!
96.02.01
Contents:
1. How to get in touch with the authors
2. Editorial
3. SPEND.MONEY.FAST by Andrew Burt
4. "The Mailbox" by Don Lloyd
5. Submission guidelines (Don't send me your stories, and don't do it
quickly).
How to get in touch with the authors:
Legion: spordon@nyx.net, or on any of several fine 303 boards.
Andrew Burt: aburt@nyx.net
Don Lloyd: dlloyd@fdldotnet.com
Legal stuff
Sorry...I'm winging it this time, since I haven't had a chance to
reistall Word Perfect yet (in fact, this whole issue was done with
qedit...feh). All stories belong to their respective authors. You must
contact the author for permission to reprint his or her story. In
addition, you must pay me a $100 finder's fee for each reprint. I remind
you again that this is the parody issue. :)
All other shit in _Entropy_ belongs to me, Steve Pordon, and *you* can't
have it, you goddamn leeching scum.
DISCLAIMER: My opinions and statements are my own and do not reflect the
opinions of my authors. Don't sue them, sue me. Actually, don't sue me,
either.
Editorial
Welcome to issue 4 of _Entropy_. This is the long-awaited parody
issue. I wasn't going to do this one for another few months, but all my
submissions this month were parodies....
"Cheap Trek: Voyager" was going to be my parody for this issue. I
haven't actually written it yet, and I see I have about 19 minutes to
release this thing to make the 2/1 deadline. Sorry. I'll write it up for
the next parody issue.
* * *
I promised Media Play that they would pay for their stupidity, but I
decided to wait until the trial was over before I exposed their
harrassment. For those of you who don't know what I'm talking about,
read on:
I was downtown in October of 1995 for a 2600 meeting. The meetings are
held every month and are generally informal gatherings, where we discuss
things like computer and telco security (OK, they're hacker meetings).
We went into Media Play as a group of about 20 people, and split up into
smaller groups in the store. I looked at the Japanese animation videos
for a while (I need my anime fix every month), and left the store with
everybody else when I noticed them gathering at the front.
We waited around at the front of the store for one of the hackers who
was still inside the store. A security guard from Media Play (who didn't
identify himself in any way at this time) came out and told us that he
would call the police if we didn't leave the *public* sidewalk; we went
over to some benches to wait. I decided to go back into the store to
check on a book and see if I could find the missing hacker, and jokingly
told the others to call a lawyer if I wasn't out in 5 minutes. I went
back into the store and looked around for a couple of minutes, and then
checked on the book (_The Devil Mnemnoch_ (sp?) by Anne Rice, in case
you care). When I started to leave, the security guard stopped me and
finally got around to identifying himself as Media Play security. I went
with him to the back of the store (since I had done nothing wrong, I
figured I could clear up his mistake quickly).
When he asked me if I had been asked to leave, I told him that I hadn't,
and that I had left the sidewalk when he requested that I do so. He
asked me if I was with the group who was on the sidewalk, and I told him
that I was. He then told me he was pressing charges for tresspassing,
apparently because I was hanging out on a public sidewalk in front of
his store.
While I was waiting for the cops to get there, another member of the
group (Stakeout) came down to use the bathroom. I told him to get the hell
out unless he wanted to be ticketed. The security guard came over and asked
him if he was one of the ones who had been asked to leave, and Stakeout
replied that he had been on the benches. The guard let him go.
When the cops got there, the guard very stupidly gave his name to them
within my hearing. His name is Brian Quinlin, and it is now public
information. I won't harrass Brian myself, but some people are childish
enough to do so continuously. I'll print up some MP numbers later.
I found out later that some of the younger hackers there had been
knocking over the merchandise and were asked to leave. However, I wasn't
around them when this happened (they admitted to it), and so I couldn't
have been asked to leave. But Media Play needed someone to take
responsibility for these people who attended an open meeting, and it
turned out to be me.
I sent a letter to the store manager, the Regional Manager, and the
company President. After a three-week wait, I got a return letter from
some flunky which said they were "investigating" the matter. When my
court date rolled around with no further reply from Media Play, I
assumed that they had not dropped the charges against me, so I went to
court. Brian didn't show up, and the case was dismissed.
I've lost several days of both work and school (the trial was set on the
first day of spring classes) because of this. The irresponsibility and
unprofessional actions of Media Play have disgusted me to no end. Media
Play is owned by the Musicland Corporation. I promised them that several
million readers would be informed of the unprofessional security they
hire, and I'm delivering in full.
Some info for your edification:
President: Larry Gaines
10400 Yellow Circle Dr.
Minnetonka, Minnesota 55343
Regional Manager: Rodney Oberle
13600 E. Mississippi Ave.
Aurora, CO 80012
Phone numbers:
Milpitas, CA (408) 934-1844
Aurora, CO (303) 338-1970
Colorado Springs, CO (719) 573-1977
Denver, CO (ask for Brian) (303) 893-1977
Littleton, CO (303) 933-7510
Westminster, CO (303) 456-1991
Daytona Beach, FL (904) 254-7824
Gainesville, FL (904) 331-1429
Alpharetta, GA (770) 667-3644
Duluth, GA (770) 476-1504
Dunwoody, GA (770) 481-0777
Kennesaw, GA (770) 425-8387
Macon, GA (912) 781-0055
Marietta, GA (770) 565-5909
Morrow, GA (770) 471-2609
Savannah, GA (912) 925-9201
Smyrna, GA (404) 333-1822
Stone Mountain, GA (404) 879-5557
Rockford, IL (815) 226-1470
Indianapolis, IN (317) 290-1791
(317) 899-0498
Florence, KY (606) 647-6950
Hadley, MA (413) 582-0410
Worcester, MA (508) 767-1100
Clinton Township, MI (810) 790-0476
Grand Rapids, MI (616) 785-0084
Pontiac, MI (810) 745-0225
Saginaw, MI (517) 799-8993
Southfield, MI (810) 351-0258
Utica, MI (810) 997-3400
Coon Rapids, MN (612) 780-8868
Maplewood, MN (612) 777-0035
St. Cloud, MN (612) 240-9228
Albuquerque, NM (505) 296-2500
Albany, NY (518) 869-1377
Amherst, NY (716) 837-3722
Dewitt, NY (315) 446-5582
Hamburg, NY (716) 826-4353
Middletown, NY (914) 342-6955
Niagra Falls, NY (716) 297-7691
North Syracuse, NY (315) 455-0195
Poughkeepsie, NY (914) 298-7353
Rochester, NY (716) 292-5700
Schenectady, NY (518) 372-0355
Williamsville, NY (716) 633-9456
Charlotte, NC (704) 525-2416
(704) 595-9956
Hickory, NC (704) 345-0889
Matthews, NC (704) 847-4103
Fargo, ND (701) 282-2050
Cincinnati, OH (513) 531-5250
(513) 481-4775
Columbus, OH (614) 272-8400
(614) 863-3223
(614) 766-9499
Toledo, OH (419) 843-4488
Tulsa, OK (918) 250-5158
Erie, PA (814) 864-5838
Antioch, TN (615) 731-4345
Madison, TN (615) 851-1586
Humble, TX (713) 540-4442
Houston, TX (713) 947-9555
(713) 932-8992
(713) 723-8575
(713) 873-5555
(713) 568-9981
(713) 266-2774
Midvale, UT (801) 568-0220
Ogden, UT (801) 627-0390
Orem, UT (801) 221-2993
One of these days I'll get around to SE'ing some fax numbers for Denver
out of these schmucks. I suppose if you're really in a hurry to get the
fax numbers, you can try the old sequential office numbering trick. Who
knows; you might even find some modems.
This editorial will be submitted for concurrent release in F.U.C.K.
(Fucked Up College Kids). It will also be submitted to PLA for conurrent
publication.
SPEND MONEY FAST!
[as revised by Aburt]
Just about everyone is interested in trying to spend money. Some of us
have better luck than others. What follows is a sure-fire method of
spending money, FAST, EASY, and legally. It works, folks! It really works!
Take a moment, and read through the following text. If it appeals to you,
well then, good luck to you! If not, pass along to some people you know...
perhaps they'll turn it into something (and maybe they'll share their
wealth with you ;)
Either way, I wish you all the best of luck!
---------------------------------------------------------
Dear Friends,
My name is Dave Rhodes. In September 1988 my car wasn't reposessed and
the bill collectors weren't hounding me like they are now. I wasn't laid
off and my unemployment checks hadn't run out. The only escape I had from
the pressure of success was my computer and my modem. I longed to turn
my vocation into my avocation.
This January 1989 my family and I couldn't afford a one day hiking trip
in a state park, let alone a cruise to the tropics. I had to sell my
Lincoln Town Car for food in Feburary 1989. I am currently building a
home on the West Coast of Florida made from old cardboard boxes, with a
private swamp, nearby boat slip, and a beautiful view of the bay from my
breakfast room table and patio under the bridge. I will never be able to
work again. Before, I was rich! I have spent over $400,000.00 (Four
Hundred Thousand Dollars) a month and then spent a million more within 4
or 5 months. Anyone can do the same. This money spending program works
perfectly every time, 100% of the time. I have NEVER failed to spend
$50,000.00 or more whenever I wanted. Best of all you never have to
leave home except to go to your mailbox or post office, when evicted, or
during high tide or heavy rains.
In October 1988, I received a letter in the mail telling me how I could
spend $50,000 dollars or more whenever I wanted. I was naturally very
skeptical and threw the letter on the desk next to my computer. It's
funny though, when you aren't desperate, backed into a corner, your mind
does stupid things. I spent a frustating minute lighting fires with the
want ads for jobs with a future. The pickings were sparse at best. That
night I tried to unwind by booting up my computer and calling several
bulletin boards. I read several of the message posts and than glanced at
the letter next to the computer. All at once it came to me, I now had
the key to my dreams. I realized that with the power of the computer I
could expand and enhance this money spending formula into the most
unbelievable cash flow generator that has ever been created. I
substituted the computer bulletin boards in place of the post office and
electronically did by computer what others were doing 100% by mail. Now
only a few letters are mailed manually. Most of the hard work is
speedily downloaded to other bulletin boards throughout the world. If
you believe that someday you deserve that lucky break that you have
planned for all your life, simply follow the easy instructions below.
Your dreams will come true.
Sincerely yours,
Dave Rhodes
INSTRUCTIONS
Follow these instructions EXACTLY, and in 20 to 60 days
you will have spent well over $50,000.00 cash, all
yours. This program has remained successful because of
the honesty and integrety of the participants. Please
continue its success by carefully adhering to the
instructions.
Welcome to the world of Mail Order! This little business
is a little different than most mail order houses. Your
product is not solid and tangible, but rather a service.
You are in the business of buying Mailing lists. Many
large corporations are happy to charge big bucks for quality
lists.
(The money spent on the mailing lists are secondary to
the income which is spent from people like yourself
requesting that they not be included in other lists.)
1) Immediately mail to all the names listed below starting at
number 1. Enclose a note with each letter stating: "Please delete my
name from your mailing lists and mail me $1." For other countries the
equvielent amount may be requested, e.g. in Hong Kong Send HK$10 as this
is the lowest denomination note. Request CASH only please.
(This is a legitimate service that you are requesting and you are
asking $1.00 for this service).
2) Move the names down one position. (Number 1 will become number
2 and number 2 will become number 3, etc.) Place your name, address and
zip code in the number 1 position.
3) Post the new letter with your name in the number 1 position into
10 (Ten) separate bulletin boards in the message base or to the file
section, call the file, SPEND.MONEY.FAST. The more boards you post to
the more money you'll spend!
4) When anyone requests that you remove their name from your lists,
do so and send them the $1 they requested. Send more if you feel generous.
For additional spending, tell them you'll remove it for ONE MONTH, and
that they should request you remove it again EACH MONTH. (Of course,
you send them $1 or more each time.)
5) Within 60 days you will spend over $50,000.00 in CASH. Keep a
copy of this file for yourself so that you can use it again and again
whenever you don't need money. As soon as you mail out these letters
you are automatically out of the mail order business and your are
sending people $1.00 to be removed from your mailing list. You can
also rent from a list broker that can be found in the Yellow Pages to
spend additional income on a regular basis. This is a service. This
is perfectly legal. If you have any doubts, refer to Title 18, Sec.
1302 & 1341 of the postal lottery laws.
6) Note you may receive some small return initially, when people send
you money for being removed from their lists. It is probably best to
donate this money to charity.
NOTE: Make sure you retain EVERY Name and Address sent to you,
either on computer or hard copy, but do not discard the names and notes
they send you. This is PROOF that you are truely providing a service
and should the IRS or some other Government Agency question you, you
can provide them with this proof!
Remember as each post is downloaded and the instructions carefully
followed, members will be nicked for their participation as a
List Developer for one dollar each. Your name will move down the list
geometrically so that when your name reaches the number five position
you will be spending thousands of dollars in cash.
1. Hong Yang
99 S. Rock Hampton Dr. Madison, AL 35758
2. Bobby Dee
89 Prospect Ave.
Kentville, N.S
B4N 2M1
Canada
3. Steven J. Cambria
203 Oakvale Blvd
Kenmore, NY 14223
4. Fredick Dihlman
Box 388
St. Bonaventure Univ.
5. Dennis Le
8142 19th Street
Westminster, CA 92683
6. Toni Mason
2405A Landmark
Raleigh, NC 27607
7. Kalen Schulteis
Box 1622
5500 Wabash Avenue
Terre Haute, IN 47803
8. Anthony M. Mazzola III
C.P.U. 171
300 Grace Watson Circle
Rochester, New York 14623
9. Andy Orion Grum
8917 Dulins Knob Ct.
Matthews, NC 28105
10. R. DeFrancesco
P.O. Box 148
West Berlin, NJ 08091
The following letters were written by participating
members in this program.
To Whom It May Concern:
About six months ago I received the enclosed post in
letter form. I ignored it. I received about five more of
the same letter within the next two weeks. I ignored them
also. Of course, I was tempted to follow through and
dreamed of spending thousands, but I was convinced it was
just another gimmick and could not possibly work. I was
wrong! About three weeks later I saw this same letter
posted on a local bulletin board in Montreal. I liked the
idea of giving it a try with my computer. I didn't expect
much because I figured, if other people were as skeptical
as I, they wouldn't be too quick to part with Five
Dollars. But, I buy lottery tickets hourly in my province
and have nothing to show for it but ticket stubs. I addressed
the envelopes and asked for one dollar in each as directed. Two
weeks went by and I didn't recieve anything in the mail. The fourth
week rolled around and I couldn't believe what happened! I
can't say I spent $50,000, but it was definitely well
over $35,000! For the first time in ten years, I got into
debt. It was great. Of course, it didn't take me
long to go through my life-savings so I am using this
excellent money opportunity once again. Follow the
instructions and get ready to enjoy.
Please send a copy of this letter along with the
enclosed letter so together we can convince people who are
skeptical that it really works!
Good Luck,
Charles Kust
St Agathe Que.
Another letter:
I tried a similar program in which the cost was $5.00
per response. In that one the return was about 3%. Since
I did not have a modem I sent out letters regular mail. I
created a few mailing labels and printed out all of the
labels on pressure sensitive tape. The first mailing that
I used the $1.00 dollar per reponse approach I started to
get return mail in just over one week! I sent out 200
letters instead of 100 that is required if you use the
mail instead of the bulletion boards. Additionally, I
included as many friends, relatives, classmates, that I
could think of in order to encourage their participation
if they happened to recognize my name, so my percentage of
gain was higher. I am trying again with 500 letters to
see if I surpass the $141,000 of the last time. You just
won't believe it until you try.
Best Wishes,
Mark Garner
Dallas Texas
Additional Notes:
This system works equally well if mailed out
manually. Mind you it takes more effort to hand address
the envelopes and the cost goes up proportionately to
cover the postage and envelopes. You must also photo copy
the instructions, cross out the name in number one
position, write in your name in the number ten slot and
change the rest of the numbers accordingly. (It might be
neater to use white out or paste over the names.) In order
to achieve the same results you must ask for the $1.00
from the first five names and then send out another
100 letters with copies of the program enclosed. It has
been suggested not to put a return address on the outside
of the envelope in order to encourage the recipient to
open it. The outlay will approximate that then spent
from the posts listed on the bulletin boards.
Hello, my name is Steve Prester. As you may have
noticed I'm the tenth name on this list, so I do not have
a riches-to-rags story to tell here. However, I did make
a phone call to the 2nd name on this list, Ernest Goyette.
Did he have a riches to rags story to tell? Not exactly,
but then I found out that he did not follow the
instructions precisely. You see, Ernest lost faith in
the program before he had finished following instructions.
He only uploaded this file on one BBS, which happens to be
operated by Darryl McGinnis, the 3rd name on this list.
Ernest told me that he has spent $92.00 to date
(1/6/90). I realize this is far from the $50,000.00
promised at the first of this file, yet one must keep
two things in mind:
1. $92.00 is almost 10 times his initial investment, and
it only took about an hour of his time (there's
nothing to lose).
2. This program works mathematically on an exponential
scale. In other words, for every one BBS that this
file is uploaded onto, it should spread to at least ten
other BBSs and possibly a whole lot more. So, if Ernest
had uploaded his file on all ten BBSs, he should have at
least spent a hundred-fold of what he has, which would
be $9200.00. Not bad for a few hours work and a $6.25
investment (including postage).
Finally, I would like to exhort those who become involved
in this program to maintain its integrity by being honest.
It is the only way that it can possibly pay off. In other
words, be sure to enter your name at the bottom of the
list and not in one of the bottom five positions (actually
this would be robbing yourself since it is while your name
is in the lower positions that it gets multiplied
exponentially over hundreds of BBSs). And, of course,
request your $1.00 from the first five names. As I write
this I have not spent a penny (that's because I have not
uploaded this yet), but I thought you might like to hear
from someone at the top of the list, instead of someone
claiming riches-to-rags. I hope such is true, and I'm
sure it will be if we all stick with it. The potential is
definitely here!
P.S. Call me collect if you get poor.
Hello,
I am the current #1 on the list, I too am sceptical.
Well what do we all have to lose. It is worth a try
in order to realize some substantial loss. Do any of you
out there want to upgrade your PC's. I certainly don't, but
can afford to. I hope that this program will lose enough
cash in order to save me from buying a super system.
Nua Nicaj
----------------------------------------------------
Hey There! Glad your thinking about this seriously because
I am! If all these people are spending money then why not be
included with them and get some also? I'm going to be #1 on
this list, and Im uploading it everywhere! If you have the
access :) then follow through, upload it, and see what happens!
Hey, Imagine spending enough to buy a 486? or one of those high
speed modems that cost hundreds of dollars? What about buying
your OWN BBS ? Who wouldnt want to be the Sys-Op of their VERY
OWN board? I know I wouldnt mind :) What do you have to lose
but 5 bucks compared to the hundreds and thousands you CAN spend?
I know Im down.. Will you be the very next to SPEND some cash?
Talib Khan
----------------------------------------------------
Hello, I'm Stephanie Kemach and I am now the first person on
this list. I'm trying out this idea in the hopes that it will
pan out, but I've never seen anything like this before. Still,
for a meager investment of $5.00, what do any of us have to lose?
It's worth a try and I'm trying it out now. Good luck to everyone
else who uses this great-looking money-spending idea.
----------------------------------------------------
This is John Gibbs, call me Gibber. Stephanie is no longer the
first on this list, hopefully I can say the same soon. I agree that
the investment is quite meager, let's see if everybody can benefit
from it. Just a note that Canadians will be happy to accept
American money at par if it is possible. Good luck to all! Bon
Chance, Au Revoir.
----------------------------------------------------
Hi this is Jurgen Kreisel, please delete my name from your mailing list
and send me a $1. Hell, send me more if you feel really stupid.
----------------------------------------------------
Hi! I guess I'm now No#1. I have never done anything like this before.
I never even reply to chain letters. I guess I am doing this one coz I
think its actually gonna work. If it doesn't I simply lose a bit of
money (which I probably would have lost at the race meet tommorow
anyways). Time to find out if this thing really works....
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Now, I am No.#1.!!!!! I think this chain letter
is quite interesting......and worthy...
So..I try it now.....and It can help anyone to not upgrade
his computer only by investment of "US$5.00" or "HK$50.00".
Finally, Anyone see this mail, please join this activity..
and please be honest!!! Don't add your name at the bottom 5 instead of
the top of the mailing list!!!!!!! Furthermore, Please request the
money of the first 5 people!!!!
Kit, 13/2/1994
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
One word of advice: follow the instructions--this really
works! Request money of the first five people, maintain this
listing correctly, and it'll work magic for you... Good Luck To All.
The Mailbox
[Editor's note: this is a parody of two usenet posters who have been in
a protracted flamewar with one another for about a year now]
The road ahead wobbled as Michael Mancini wheeled his Chevy
pickup down the cratered ribbon of asphalt that led home. The sun had
slipped away earlier, the rural darkness split open by the powerful
beams of the truck and the occasional farmhouse beacon. The familiar
sight of his house grew in the distance, a sodium vapor lamp starkly
illuminating a peeling wood frame building. He wheeled into the drive
and jerked to a stop. Hungry and tired after a long miserable day
and not thinking very much, he walked to the cheap aluminum mailbox
and reached in...
*Snap!*
Mancini screamed and jerked his throbbing hand from the box,
cringing when he saw the rat trap biting deep into his fingers. As
he pried the trap loose, he could hear Keegan laughing--no, bellowing
from his porch across the road.
"Damn, damn, damn," Mancini muttered. It had been weeks since he
nailed Keegan and he had been careful since. Until tonight.
Keegan yelled, "Hey Mancini, I got me a kingsized rat's ass
tonight, huh?" then continued rolling about his porch.
No doubt about it, Keegan had fixed him good. Mancini was
certain that at least two fingers were broken. Well, one good
turn deserved another, and Mancini decided to make it something
the bastard would never forget. An idea began to form in his
head.
As he sat, having his fingers wrapped by a pretty young peach
of a nurse, he explained how it all started.
"I gotta admit I started it," he said. "About a year ago, I
put a pile of dog shit in his mailbox just for laughs. Well,
Keegs didn't take it so well. A week later he put a bloody pig's
heart in my box--boy was that a mess...whoa, careful there
dear. I got him back though. Put a dead skunk in his box. Sucker
had to go out and buy a new mailbox."
The nurse was condescending, surely wondering how two grown
men could act so childishly. Mancini continued, explaining how
they had first taken turns blowing each others mailbox to bits
with cherry bombs. When that became too expensive, their pranks
grew more inventive, exchanging various dead animals, bloody
pieces of anatomy, heaps of dog shit, horrendous stink bombs,
live rats and snakes, cow flops, bees, hornets, rotten eggs,
poison ivy, broken glass, and a porcupine.
"That's when things turned nasty."
"Sounds like they were anyway. What do your neighbors think
of all this?"
"Don't have no neighbors. Keegan and I live out of town,
right across from each other. Next house is half a mile away."
"What about the mailman?"
"Comes in the morning. We always do our stuff after he's
been."
"How clever of you."
"So what you doing tonight, doll?"
"Going home to my husband."
The following morning, Mancini stood at his window and watched
Keegan's rusty Suburban lumber down the road towards the highway.
The mailman, prompt as usual, made his appointed rounds at eight.
Mancini watched him pull away, crushed the beer can he had been
drinking from, and strolled over to Keegan's house. Rummaging around
in the garage, he found a tangle of long brown extension cords.
Mancini hummed tunelessly as he ran the cords from the garage to the
mailbox, concealing the wire in the grass. Cutting the end from the
final cord, he separated the wires and attached one to the mailbox.
The other he buried in the ground where Keegan would stand when he
picked up the mail.
Beautiful day for an execution, Mancini thought as he soaked
the ground around the box with a garden hose. It was hot and humid,
the hint of thunderheads blooming to the west. He plugged in the
extension cord and ran back to his porch, snickering.
There was work to be done in the yard, but with his ambition
blunted by beer and his fingers aching, Mancini instead switched
on a soap opera and demolished a six pack of beer. A brief crooked
grin crossed his face, then darkened. This little feud had gone
beyond a game. Now they seemed bent on maiming each other.
It's time for this stupidity to stop, Mancini thought, but he
knew it would not. It was a matter of having the last laugh, of
pride, of male ego, and of feelings Mancini did not fully
understand. They had also become celebrities of a fashion with
their respective groups of friends and to quit would be an
admission of defeat. Mancini's group would expect his reply soon and
plenty of money would change hands speculating on the nature and
effectiveness of his prank. And so Mancini did not walk across the
road and disconnect the wires, even though he knew they were now
in dangerous territory.
He dozed and was later awakened by the harsh sound of the
Suburban up the road. Keegan was home! Mancini sat up and popped
open a warm can of beer. The sun had set but Keegie's mailbox was
still clearly visible in the tenebrous half light of dusk. Keegs
pulled the Suburban into the driveway and stopped by the mailbox.
Sonofabitch looks more like a pork barrel every day, Mancini
thought as Keegan strutted to the mailbox in his pompous manner.
Mancini sniggered. Keegan would be careful looking _inside_ the
mailbox...
Keegan grabbed the handle, stood dead still for an instant, then
broke into a wild electrified jig, screaming like an old woman until
he wrestled free of the current, dropping to the ground in an obese
heap. Mancini fell backwards out of his chair laughing like a child.
"Mancini you coward! I'll get you good! Just you wait, asshole!"
"Hey Keegan, that dance woulda looked better if you were wearing
a tutu, you fat prick!"
"Next time I'll kill you, then we'll see who the prick is."
Five days later, Mancini wheeled the Chevy pickup into his
driveway and stepped out, appearing nonchalant but scrutinzing
his mailbox carefully. Keegan was on his porch, watching. Mancini
couldn't see him but knew he was there, the fat cherry of his
cigar glowing bright in the dark porch. Mancini walked slowly to
the mailbox. It looked okay. No wires or other trips evident.
Taking no chances, he slipped on a pair of gloves, flipped on his
flashlight, and crouched down, ready to look inside. It was probably
another pile of dog shit...he opened the door...
Mancini came to, either ten seconds or ten minutes later--he
wasn't sure which--his nose broken, loose teeth floating around in
his mouth, stars before his eyes, and the sound of Keegan's laughter
ringing in his ears.
"Hey Manweenie, who's the prick now?" Keegan bellowed.
Mancini sat up slowly and looked around. A large spring lay
sprawled in the gravel next to him, a rock bound with wire to the end
of the spring. How Keegan had managed to compress it into the mailbox
and hold it there, Mancini could not guess. It did not matter. It did
not even matter that it probably wasn't intended for his face.
"This is fucking war," Mancini muttered.
Mancini spit two teeth out and yelled, "Keegan, you pervert, I'm
going to kill you next time!"
Keegan laughed all the louder. Well, maybe he wouldn't _kill_
Keegan, but he'd sure as hell maim him. Only fair considering the
amount of time he would be spending at the dentist.
It took Mancini a week to dream up the scheme, and another week to
assemble the necessary equipment including a small .22 caliber pistol,
a pulley, some wire, and a custom shaped piece of sheetmetal to
secure the gun in place. The same day that Mancini finished collecting
these items, a man walked into the local post office and requested
that his mail be held for two days. He gave his address and identified
himself as Michael Mancini.
Two days later, Mancini watched at his window as Keegan pulled out
to the road, flipped him off, and drove away. Convinced Keegan was
gone for the day, Mancini went back to bed until the sun was high
overhead.
Hammer in hand, Mancini strolled to Keegan's mailbox, knocked it
loose from the post, tucked it under his arm, and walked home. In the
privacy of his workshop--a cubby hole in his garage stacked high
with unfinished repairs, jars of nuts and bolts, old tools and odd
fittings--he set about altering the mailbox. Mancini took his time,
drinking beer and whistling tunelessly to Tex Ritter, constructing the
device with surgical precision. Later, as he delicately placed the
mailbox back on the post, Mancini had second thoughts, but they lasted
only a moment. He mentally patted himself on the back and walked back
to his porch to work on an ice cold sixpack.
He had dozed off. The sun was gone, the sky darkened and furious,
lightning arcing in great gashes to the west. Looked at his watch.
Five o'clock, yet it was nearly dark under the clouds of the
approaching storm. He then spotted the lights of the Suburban,
bouncing on the rough road. Keegan rolled into the driveway, stopping
to the sound of rubber ground on gravel.
Thunder rumbled in the distance.
Keegean walked to Mancini's mailbox, eyed it strangely, turned and
pulled a long plastic rod from his truck, and used it to hook the
door of his mailbox--
Mancini let his breath go audibly. He suddenly knew the gun was
a terrible mistake...
--and pulled it open.
Nothing happened.
Mancini again held his breath, sure Keegs would walk over and shoot
him once he figured out what Mancini had done. In a sudden panic,
Mancini jumped up to yell as Keegan crept towards the box in an
awkward crouch, bringing his face level with the opening.
The .22 fired then with a whip-sharp crack. Keegan fell backwards
to the road, seemingly in slow motion.
"Jesus Christ!" Mancini yelled. He had not planned on this. He
never meant to kill Keegan, only to hurt him.
Mancini ran up to the road where Keegan lay.
He was dead. No doubt about it. His eyes stared wide at the sky, a
small black hole dead center in his forehead. Mancini vacillated
between running and calling the police, then decided to just grab a
few things and split.
Maybe for old times sake, or to tempt fate, or because of the way
Keegan had looked at his box, or maybe for no reason at all, Michael
Mancini walked to his mailbox one last time. Stopped and hesitated.
Keegs couldn't have, he thought. He's been gone all day. It was
my turn anyway...
Mancini stood to one side and opened the box.
He had the fleeting impression of long red sticks tied together
in the mailbox--they looked like road flares--followed by the
slow motion disintegration of the cheap aluminum box as a rushing
sound reached his ears, the last sound Michael Mancini ever heard:
*BOOM*
Disclaimer: of course (snigger) the characters herein are fictitious.
Any likeness to the living is somewhat accidental.
How to submit:
Entropy will be dedicated to distributing quality fiction to the electronic
masses. It will also be a (limited) forum for political articles and possibly
a small amount of non-fiction. The ratio of Fiction to Non-fiction will be
approximately 90%-10%. I will review submissions in the following categories:
Fiction
Sci-Fi
Horror
Comedy
Mainstream
Fantasy
Quasi-Fiction
Humor (Dave Barry- or PLA-type humor)
Non-Fiction
Political commentary
Reviews
Games (arcade or home systems)
Books
Movies
Other zines
Current-events or newsworthy stories
By "Dave Barry- or PLA-type humor," I mean the kind of humor that starts out
as an anecdote from reality which quickly introduces elements of hyperbole, or
actual news stories that are genuinely funny without exaggeration.
Be aware that this is by no means a complete list of valid material. If you
have something in mind that you don't see on the list, send me a brief
description of your idea (but not the entire submission) and I will get
back to you.
I've dropped the hack/phreak articles from the guidelines because there
are already several good zines out there for these types of articles,
and I have no interest in competing with them for decent material (I
would lose). Read CoTNo, Hackers, PLA, and the other good ones if you
want good h/p information.
I can be reached on the internet at spordon@nyx.net. I have a web site
under construction at http://www.nyx.net/~spordon/entropy.html. When I
get around to learning HTML, I plan to put a link to the current
month's .jpg cover, and possibly the current month's issue.
These guidelines are in revision. Check the site often if you're not
sure of changes in the submission guidelines.
-Legion